I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
