Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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