based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
