I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
