So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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