And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
