never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
