I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
