Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
