I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
