She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
