there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
