Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
