life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i would punch a child for taco bell
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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