I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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