Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
