Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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