I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
