i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
