i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?