Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!