Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
