I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
