His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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