everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
