It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize