I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
