you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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