Your dad touched me again.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
