Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Randomize
