The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
