I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
