you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
