I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Found the puke drawer
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
