I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
