Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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