Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
