Your face is a jimmy john
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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