sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
