I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom