i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
