I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
