so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
