the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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