You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
