his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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