she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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