I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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