I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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