best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
