I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
