ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
