he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
