Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
