he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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