So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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