My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
