We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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