my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
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you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.