It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal