I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
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Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
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Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.