Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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