i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Best friends brother. Beat that.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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