I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
FUCK WHALES
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
